It hasn't been easy but it's been a challenge that I have enjoyed thus far. I see my insights undergoing changes, my manic and depressive tendencies being shaved down to more balanced and rational actions. Even when the world decides to bear its whole weight upon my shoulders, rather than acting out in frustration, I breathe and turn my options over in my head until the situation becomes something that I can easily comprehend and then manage.
And yet, I'm feeling compromised...
Undergoing all of these changes have turned me into a better person. I can see it, I can feel it, and I am never going back to the girl I once was. I am finally feeling like a woman, in complete control of her life for the first time ever.
It was recently brought to my attention that, in my life so far, I have made very good choices. These choices have shaped me into a person that is better prepared for life and anything that it would like to "throw" at me, especially compared to others my age. Rather than escape into alcohol or drugs or sex when an ugly head is reared, I delve into my mind and find a way to face my problems head on. Independently; with great strength and conviction.
Here is the score:
I am 24 years old. I graduated high school and went on to college. In both, I excelled academically as well as in my extra-curriculars. Although I have trust issues that make it difficult for me to get close to many people, I have always had a pleasant and fulfilling social life. My romantic relationships, though sometimes volatile, have always served their purpose for the time. I am the type of person who lands a job, sticks with it, never calls off, always shows up early, works hard and gets promoted into leadership roles. That habit was formed early on in the sports and clubs that I had taken up as a teenager; always rising into leadership roles as the type of person who leads by example. I read. A lot. Not just regular, for-leisure books, but actual textbooks. I have a natural curiosity and thirst for knowledge that, unfortunately, I find not many have these days. Community service has always been a great part of my life. The last four years of my life have been devoted to animal rescue wherein I personally rehabilitated and rehomed over 100 cats and dogs. I do not drink, I do not partake in recreational drugs and I have never been promiscuous. I feel balanced. I feel self-actualized on a level that most people never have the pleasure of reaching. For the first time in my life, I am wholly happy with the person that I am.So, the issue that has me up at 4:15 AM on this fine night (or morning, more like) is a funny one. I have always thought of myself as the kind of person that makes responsible, well thought-out, respectable and later-to-be-appreciated choices in their life. The choices I have made in my life have never been selfish, even when I am the primary person to be affected. My friends, family, causes, and whatever other beloved things that are in my life at the time, are always considered when planning my next move. I feel like every move that I have made in life has, in some way, propelled me forward into the life that I have now. And it's a good one. It's a life that makes me happy. I am living with no regrets... So, why am I being treated like I have "lost my way?" Why do various people in my life think that I am someone "lost" that needs roped in and saved? Like I'm some accessory, incapable of thoughts and decision making skills, in need of salvaging?
I have seen the folly in the lives of my loved ones. In seeing it, I have always made sure to navigate around their errors when presented with the same situation to better ensure a positive outcome. I am extremely grateful to have had that opportunity in my life as it helped shape the person I have become and am still becoming as I continue to grow.
So, at 24 years old, with my head in the clouds but my feet planted firmly on the ground for the sake of having a tangible relationship with reality, it's necessary for me to ask: What right does anyone have to feel that they need to step in and guide me through my own life? This life, I have always tackled on my own. And I plan to continue in doing so until a "life partner" has been found, granted that one is ever found. This life is mine to live. Thus far, I have made great choices, even if most people may not see it that way right now. And while no one can see the insights I have on the choices laying before me today, I have to understand that people do not know what is best for me. A choice I may make today may seem incredibly juvenile to them, but for me and for the future, it could be the greatest decision I have made in my life to date. They have no way to estimate the outcome without my insight. And even if I were to make a bad choice, where is the shame in creating a single folly for myself at this age with so much still ahead of me? I have a lot of life left to iron out any errors made along the way and I am happy to live with any consequences acquired from the choices I make. They are always weighed when finalizing my decision.
Sometimes you have to fail in life to get back on the right track. If I am bound to fail, let me fail so I can move on in my own way into a new direction. And if I succeed, those that doubted me will surely feel silly.
Of course I know that their best intentions are at work when trying to direct me through the construction zones of life. I understand that it is coming from a place of love. But sometimes, we have to go it alone. The majority of my life has been lived alone... That's the sole reason why I know exactly who I am and who I hope to become. So, please... Let me live my life, free of judgment and I-told-you-sos. I am always happy to take any advice and look over any options before me, but do not try to coerce me into something that I do not believe in. In the end, it's me living with the outcome, positive or negative. Let me carry the responsibility of it.
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