The only thing that I believe in, have faith in, truly trust in is love. When all else has failed, I have always felt like I have had love. But recently, that light has been faded, forever dimming, and is currently being phased out... Extinguished. My driving force is being extinguished. Without Love, what is there for me to trust in.
Here is where I am at. I am occupying space and time with no rhyme or reason. I have lost two jobs and have had my heart broken by two different men in two months. The first job I lost for having no value, the second I could have retained if I was truly of worth. They were both jobs that I loved, jobs that I was good at, jobs I was happy doing. Both men are men that I love, still. The first I lost of my own hand for damages dolled out with ill-intent. The second had "nothing to do with me" as far as intent, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I'm feeling compromised. Feeling like the things I do don't matter. What's the point of self-respect and standards/ expectations when all it earns you is this? Lying next to someone you love and not even being able to enjoy it because your energy is escaping from all of the cracks created from this new broken nature. I don't want to compromise, I don't want to back paddle into the person I used to be just for that sake of starting anew. And yet, that is the only option I am seeing right now.
It's hard for me to talk about. Everyone likes to revel in their own shit, posting sad and angry facebook statuses to let the world know how awesomely abused they have been so they look like they have some incredible world knowledge and strength to be envied. The last few months, I have made it my mission to overcome that, to become happy and positive to counterbalance all of the readily-accessible negativity that everyone else enjoys spewing so much. If I fall to that, everyone will enjoy seeing Mary Miss Sunshine as broken as they are. They will think that I am one of them and it will further their desire to maintain their negativity as it will be "normal." I won't be able to make them question all of the "FML's" they use so freely, like having a spider in your car is reason to have your life "fucked."
Here are the facts:
- I am in love with a man who cheated on me with a beautiful girl five years younger than me, fifteen years his junior, and "totally cool" with the situation.
- With another boy, I had a horrendous break-up that was internally destructive.
- Because of my relationship with him, rather than deal with the situation, have a blow-out and some closure, I shoved everything down to make life easier for the two of us.
- I became Mary Sunshine like I had something to prove, like I needed to show the world I had more self-worth than how I was defined in my relationship.
- I never dealt with the break-up.
- Minutes after, he was at another girl's door, completely over me and "us."
- Although I moved on, I never really moved on; I find myself still trying to find ways to be worthy or desirable to him although, at this point, it's completely irrelevant.
- I just want to feel valued, like I have some worth, like I am someone to be desired.
- My new beau strives to make me feel that way, and although I have forgiven him for what most would consider an unforgivable act, how could he possibly make me feel that way right now?
- I wasn't even wanted/ valued in the cause I was most passionate in, animal rescue.
- After four years of continuous effort, proving myself time and time again, building something from nothing, my efforts went unnoticed, unappreciated, and I was easily tossed aside.
- I feel like I am a person chucked into the "dime a dozen" bin.
- I've strived to be someone extraordinary, and I have been proven to be much less.
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