Void

I have a need so dire that the inability to fulfill it has created a void behind my sternum. This void has rapidly increased in depth, creating a vacuum that is growing exponentially, sucking my entire existence into a meek, black nothingness. I fear that this will continue until either a.) My need is met or b.) I inevitable implode.


7/28/15 4:12 a.m.

I feel...

Like shit. Absolute shit. Garbage, really. I feel like I am the weighted end of a pendulum, thrown way off of its equilibrium, waiting for the cable to snap with no clue as to where I am going to come crashing down. My life's course has been driven by passion and love and it has gotten me nowhere. If those can't be my driving forces, what can be? What hope can I possibly have for a happy and fulfilling life?

The only thing that I believe in, have faith in, truly trust in is love. When all else has failed, I have always felt like I have had love. But recently, that light has been faded, forever dimming, and is currently being phased out... Extinguished. My driving force is being extinguished. Without Love, what is there for me to trust in.

Here is where I am at. I am occupying space and time with no rhyme or reason. I have lost two jobs and have had my heart broken by two different men in two months. The first job I lost for having no value, the second I could have retained if I was truly of worth. They were both jobs that I loved, jobs that I was good at, jobs I was happy doing. Both men are men that I love, still. The first I lost of my own hand for damages dolled out with ill-intent. The second had "nothing to do with me" as far as intent, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I'm feeling compromised. Feeling like the things I do don't matter. What's the point of self-respect and standards/ expectations when all it earns you is this? Lying next to someone you love and not even being able to enjoy it because your energy is escaping from all of the cracks created from this new broken nature. I don't want to compromise, I don't want to back paddle into the person I used to be just for that sake of starting anew. And yet, that is the only option I am seeing right now.

It's hard for me to talk about. Everyone likes to revel in their own shit, posting sad and angry facebook statuses to let the world know how awesomely abused they have been so they look like they have some incredible world knowledge and strength to be envied. The last few months, I have made it my mission to overcome that, to become happy and positive to counterbalance all of the readily-accessible negativity that everyone else enjoys spewing so much. If I fall to that, everyone will enjoy seeing Mary Miss Sunshine as broken as they are. They will think that I am one of them and it will further their desire to maintain their negativity as it will be "normal." I won't be able to make them question all of the "FML's" they use so freely, like having a spider in your car is reason to have your life "fucked."

Here are the facts:

• I am in love with a man who cheated on me with a beautiful girl five years younger than me, fifteen years his junior, and "totally cool" with the situation.
• With another boy, I had a horrendous break-up that was internally destructive.
• Because of my relationship with him, rather than deal with the situation, have a blow-out and some closure, I shoved everything down to make life easier for the two of us. 
• I became Mary Sunshine like I had something to prove, like I needed to show the world I had more self-worth than how I was defined in my relationship.
• I never dealt with the break-up. 
• Minutes after, he was at another girl's door, completely over me and "us." 
• Although I moved on, I never really moved on; I find myself still trying to find ways to be worthy or desirable to him although, at this point, it's completely irrelevant.
• I just want to feel valued, like I have some worth, like I am someone to be desired.
• My new beau strives to make me feel that way, and although I have forgiven him for what most would consider an unforgivable act, how could he possibly make me feel that way right now?
• I wasn't even wanted/ valued in the cause I was most passionate in, animal rescue.
• After four years of continuous effort, proving myself time and time again, building something from nothing, my efforts went unnoticed, unappreciated, and I was easily tossed aside.
• I feel like I am a person chucked into the "dime a dozen" bin.
• I've strived to be someone extraordinary, and I have been proven to be much less. 

Breaking Through

Staying positive. The words that have bled from my lips over the past several months have been carefully chosen to be positive. Every sad statement is followed by a comma and an upbeat end. Every thought's ends twisted up and into a smile. 

It hasn't been easy but it's been a challenge that I have enjoyed thus far. I see my insights undergoing changes, my manic and depressive tendencies being shaved down to more balanced and rational actions. Even when the world decides to bear its whole weight upon my shoulders, rather than acting out in frustration, I breathe and turn my options over in my head until the situation becomes something that I can easily comprehend and then manage.

And yet, I'm feeling compromised...

Undergoing all of these changes have turned me into a better person. I can see it, I can feel it, and I am never going back to the girl I once was. I am finally feeling like a woman, in complete control of her life for the first time ever. 

It was recently brought to my attention that, in my life so far, I have made very good choices. These choices have shaped me into a person that is better prepared for life and anything that it would like to "throw" at me, especially compared to others my age. Rather than escape into alcohol or drugs or sex when an ugly head is reared, I delve into my mind and find a way to face my problems head on. Independently; with great strength and conviction.

Here is the score:

I am 24 years old. I graduated high school and went on to college. In both, I excelled academically as well as in my extra-curriculars. Although I have trust issues that make it difficult for me to get close to many people, I have always had a pleasant and fulfilling social life. My romantic relationships, though sometimes volatile, have always served their purpose for the time. I am the type of person who lands a job, sticks with it, never calls off, always shows up early, works hard and gets promoted into leadership roles. That habit was formed early on in the sports and clubs that I had taken up as a teenager; always rising into leadership roles as the type of person who leads by example. I read. A lot. Not just regular, for-leisure books, but actual textbooks. I have a natural curiosity and thirst for knowledge that, unfortunately, I find not many have these days. Community service has always been a great part of my life. The last four years of my life have been devoted to animal rescue wherein I personally rehabilitated and rehomed over 100 cats and dogs. I do not drink, I do not partake in recreational drugs and I have never been promiscuous. I feel balanced. I feel self-actualized on a level that most people never have the pleasure of reaching. For the first time in my life, I am wholly happy with the person that I am.

So, the issue that has me up at 4:15 AM on this fine night (or morning, more like) is a funny one. I have always thought of myself as the kind of person that makes responsible, well thought-out, respectable and later-to-be-appreciated choices in their life. The choices I have made in my life have never been selfish, even when I am the primary person to be affected. My friends, family, causes, and whatever other beloved things that are in my life at the time, are always considered when planning my next move. I feel like every move that I have made in life has, in some way, propelled me forward into the life that I have now. And it's a good one. It's a life that makes me happy. I am living with no regrets... So, why am I being treated like I have "lost my way?" Why do various people in my life think that I am someone "lost" that needs roped in and saved? Like I'm some accessory, incapable of thoughts and decision making skills, in need of salvaging?

I have seen the folly in the lives of my loved ones. In seeing it, I have always made sure to navigate around their errors when presented with the same situation to better ensure a positive outcome. I am extremely grateful to have had that opportunity in my life as it helped shape the person I have become and am still becoming as I continue to grow.

So, at 24 years old, with my head in the clouds but my feet planted firmly on the ground for the sake of having a tangible relationship with reality, it's necessary for me to ask: What right does anyone have to feel that they need to step in and guide me through my own life? This life, I have always tackled on my own. And I plan to continue in doing so until a "life partner" has been found, granted that one is ever found. This life is mine to live. Thus far, I have made great choices, even if most people may not see it that way right now. And while no one can see the insights I have on the choices laying before me today, I have to understand that people do not know what is best for me. A choice I may make today may seem incredibly juvenile to them, but for me and for the future, it could be the greatest decision I have made in my life to date. They have no way to estimate the outcome without my insight. And even if I were to make a bad choice, where is the shame in creating a single folly for myself at this age with so much still ahead of me? I have a lot of life left to iron out any errors made along the way and I am happy to live with any consequences acquired from the choices I make. They are always weighed when finalizing my decision.

Sometimes you have to fail in life to get back on the right track. If I am bound to fail, let me fail so I can move on in my own way into a new direction. And if I succeed, those that doubted me will surely feel silly.

Of course I know that their best intentions are at work when trying to direct me through the construction zones of life. I understand that it is coming from a place of love. But sometimes, we have to go it alone. The majority of my life has been lived alone... That's the sole reason why I know exactly who I am and who I hope to become. So, please... Let me live my life, free of judgment and I-told-you-sos. I am always happy to take any advice and look over any options before me, but do not try to coerce me into something that I do not believe in. In the end, it's me living with the outcome, positive or negative. Let me carry the responsibility of it.

Coming Clean

So, a few months ago I sat down and realized how much I hate myself. Of course it wasn't that simple. I got into a fight with Cory, one that was admittedly and routinely unjustified. He sent me an email basically telling me I was an idiot and showing me exactly how dumb I was for the argument. I read each and every word that he offered me and realized how grateful I was to have someone so amazingly supportive in my life, especially after realizing what a shithead I had been to him. So started this fire in me to change me.

Everyone has seen it, and in realizing it myself, I can't deny nor excuse it. My behavior up until the past few months has been putrid at best. My environment had shaped me into a critical person, an unhealthily skeptical person, especially when it came to other people. My criticisms became a poison, getting me high and angry at every misguided action or flaw before me. Having the power to rationalize away my faults while feasting on those of others gave me a power that made me feel invincible. It made it impossible for me to truly connect to the people I love and this invincibility allowed me to take them all for granted.

A lot of those close to me follow the same catty patterns that I had always thrived on. Because of this, I always felt that my behavior was common and acceptable. It takes a village to raise a child and my village had always been drama. So, for me, that's just the way it always had been. Those that were not outwardly angry and critical I had always just written off as being either jaded by circumstance or truly introverted. As I said prior, there is no excuse for my behavior so I am not blaming this environment for the way I became. The fault lies in my inability to step outside of myself and judge myself as I so frequently judged others.

Like I said, Cory was a big push in the right direction, although it was a little too late and the push did not come until he was already fed up with the way he had been treated. I cannot blame him for this. I have done some awful things and I have said even worse things. I am just beyond lucky to have a best friend and partner in life that is more forgiving than most; a trait that I am now sure to not make him regret.

The second push came from my weight loss journey. Obviously I have gained a crap ton of weight so needed to lose a crap ton of weight. I reached out to an online community that took me in open arms. They are wonderful women that are so open minded and so amazingly supportive of one another. Coming from all different backgrounds, they can open up about troubled marriages, chronic health issues and regular day-to-day life and there is absolutely no judgment or harsh words (unless push comes to shove to make each other more accountable in our lives). I have only been with them for a short time but I know that I have already made a few friendships that will last (love my oranges)!

The third thing that really pushed me into this "new" me really isn't a "thing" but two people. The first being my friend Amanda, the second, an awesome chick from the rescue named Laura. Both are examples of the woman I am looking to become. I have never really opened up to other women because many of the ones in my life have disappointed me time and time again when I had done so. Thus, being in any vulnerable position really makes me uneasy.

My relationship with Amanda was very stressful in the beginning, at absolutely no fault of hers, but simply because I was so nervous about what shortcomings she may find in me. She started out doing my hair so my insecurities told me that she was going to run around town telling people about my ridiculously abstract hairline or some weird scalp condition that I had never heard of. God, I have always been so INSECURE! After being around her for a while, she must have picked up on those feelings because she made it a point to tell me "I am very non-judgmental of people. It is one thing about myself that I am very proud of." Finding that trust in her and seeing how sincere she was gave me faith that I could also condition myself to be that way. I can't thank her enough for the example she had set for me.

With Laura, it is a bit different. Laura and I do not even have a relationship, so to speak. Laura and I were working on a project together that literally put us together about once every two weeks with email correspondences filling the gaps.

I have always been proud of my ability to get down and dirty to get work done. Any project that is thrown at me, I am able to handle, no matter how much or little experience I may have in doing it. Because of my skill set and the hard work I was constantly putting in in spite of the high stress environment of my job, I felt that when I was angry or dissatisfied with something, I had earned the right to face it head on no matter the measure and how it may come off to others. Laura, on the other hand, no matter what she may or may not have been feeling was always polite, sweet and had an almost apologetic tone in her requests, even when being firm. I was absentminded several times throughout the course of our project, something that would have sent me off the wall if I was dealing with someone like me. But Laura was always fair which motivated me to work harder. She was often put in positions that would have made me lash out and yet she found a way to handle it graciously. She made me want to also act with such grace.

Ok, I know that no one really wanted to hear just about any of this, but I felt that it was important for me to share. This is me announcing my rebirth and coming clean about my past. I have made a commitment to myself to become a better and brighter person. I am no longer someone who flies off the handle about small things. I am no longer a person that feels entitled to the rage and animosity that they release upon others. I am no longer proud of the person I was in the past, but instead, am proud of the great changes I have already made and the changes that are still coming.

Many people have a tainted view of me either from direct or indirect sources and experiences. I cannot blame them for that or expect for that image to be lifted as quickly as it was slammed down before them. There the fault lays with me. All that I can hope for at this point in my life is that those that love me, or may be open to loving me, may see the changes that I am making in my life, and the long-overdue responsibilities that I am finally owning up to. I owe a lot of apologies to a lot of people but I know that this new me will make everyone proud.

You jump up and down, move it all around, Shake your head to the sound, put your hands on the ground!

So...

Okay, I don't think that this is what Lou Bega meant when he wrote those lines for Mambo Number 5, but let me tell you, my life has been jumping up and down, and has been movin' all around, etc. It's sort of, kind of maybe messing with my psyche a little bit.

Job and School Stuff:

UP: I am an excellent student that had a lot of scholarships and financial aid to help me get my BA
DOWN: When the economy crashed, it killed my college prospects since I can no longer get a loan to pay for my remaining balance a semester

UP: I had an ok job that was helping out a ton
DOWN: It was temporary

UP: I was starting to get the money to pay off my student debt
DOWN: Now I'm struggling to make rent

UP: I filed my FAFSA hoping that going back to school full time would again defer my loans, plus I could finish my last semester and get my BA
DOWN: The school wants me to re-apply before they will even give me my award letter and I don't have the money to apply right now

UP: I do have the possibility to file for bankruptcy and have had a few lawyers interested in working with me
DOWN: I do have the possibility to file for bankruptcy and have had a few lawyers interested in working with me

Rescue Stuff:

UP: I just broke 60 fosters
DOWN: I'm starting to burn out

UP: I love doing this stuff because I know I'm making a difference
DOWN: Sometimes I want to be selfish and quit and live just like everyone else; it's easy to do nothing

UP: I have adopted out about 60 animals that would have otherwise been euthanized
DOWN: I have to deal with stupid people that bring dogs back because they look too "pitty" or they didn't realize how much work a dog is and every other BS excuse

UP: I get to go to the pounds and see and temp out all of the dogs (even the ones in the bad dog areas) and get to play with lonely, homeless animals, making them feel better even if for just a moment
DOWN: I have to look death, abandonment, loneliness, and cries for rescue in the face

UP: I want to save them all
DOWN: I know I can't

Relationships:

UP: I am dating my best friend in the whole world and couldn't ask for anything more
DOWN: I feel like I disappoint him quite often

UP: I have really amazing parents that I talk to all the time and would do anything for me
DOWN: They don't understand the decisions that I make and I know they're disappointed in me

UP: I've made some great friends in the rescue
DOWN: I feel really insecure about them, like they're really just acquaintances and I'm stupid for relying on them for a real friendship

UP: My grandmother was an amazing and beautiful woman and I strive to be as open, stubborn and hardy as she
DOWN: I've really been missing my grandma lately, especially since I know she would be so proud of me. I hate knowing that she will not be at my wedding :(

And of course, this is just a small sampling of everything that is coursing through my brain, courtesy of the sodium/ potassium pumps in my neurons (Oh neuropsychology, I love you so much! ). I try to look at the positives in everything that I do, but lately it seems like the counterweight is a little heavier than usual. I think I need a vacation complete with beach and swimming and no stupid people... :/

Oh. My. Dog.

So...

Yesterday was a huge event as far as local rescue goes. It was the 10th Annual Akron Pet Expo & Marc's Cutest Pet Contest at Hardesty Park. I guess that last year our rescue did about 40 adoptions by itself (?) so some of our volunteers were expecting the same great numbers this year... Did not happen. We did 7.

Now, I am not at ALL disappointed by this. In fact, I am very pleased that we did 7 adoptions. 7 dogs adopted means 7 more dogs being pulled off of death row! How could you not be pleased? In addition to that, we brought in a ton of extra hands to help with adoptions for Summit County Animal Control and Wayne County Humane Society who also had successful days. Both of them have been bursting at the seams since the beginning of spring so having a dog adopted straight from them creates so much more room for the recent influx of dogs that have been coming in, thus decreasing their need for euthanizing adoptable animals for space reasons.

So far I have had two volunteers come up to me complaining about doing only 7 adoptions. Well, I was not working with our rescue yesterday but with the Summit Animal Coalition at an informational booth on pit bulls. This allowed me the liberty to take a walk now and again to check out the other booths. What I saw were two other organizations that had stock-piled their booths with adorable little puppies, a couple of breed specific rescues (because we know how hard it is to adopt out a pure-bred Doberman or Pyrenees), and then the few other organizations that actually make a difference that take the dogs in need.

Please don't take this as me "shelter bashing" some of the other organizations, as that is not my aim. What I mean to say is when you look at our dogs compared to some little fluff ball puppies, how do you compare? Our dogs are the unwanted dogs, the cast away dogs, the forgotten and neglected dogs, the dogs needing their second chance at a regular, stable life. These are the ones that no other rescue wanted. It is extremely unfortunate that the general public will still not give these dogs a chance when the choice is between them and an adorable new puppy, but that is just the reality of the situation.

As far as I am concerned, the numbers don't matter for yesterday. I know that we are the better rescue, I know that we have the better volunteers, and I know that because of our wonderful fosters and the rehabilitation they put our dogs through, we have the much better dogs. Being disappointed for not doing "enough" adoptions is only going to bring morale down, wear down the people in our organization and ultimately tear us all apart. And how many dogs will be saved then? There is a picture here so much bigger than one event.

Know that I am not upset with anyone for being upset with the "bust" of yesterday's event. I just wish that everyone would see the accomplishments rather than the failures. The event all together generated over 60 adoptions. Our rescue adopted out dogs from Laddie, a seven year old black dog, to Bonzo, a 9 week old fox terrier puppy (the only puppy we had there) and everything in between.

Yesterday was a GREAT day. :)

Laddie's picture from the Pound. Found his forever home 6.11.11! :)

All the Cool Kids are Doing it!

So...

In high school and throughout college I always kept a personal journal and a myspace blog which allowed me an outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. My last year of college I kept an "artist's journal" which, while I am extremely proud of it, kind of took over as my emotional medium. Aesthetically, it's a lucid dream inspired by music set to words. Everything before this journal was just words and now I find myself needing a fix in imagery every time something overwhelming happens. But why wait until then to express myself?

There's no reason, thus the reason for this blog coming into being. I still keep my artist's journal and my personal journal, but I like having several different outlets. I don't know what I am looking for in doing this, I guess maybe I'm not looking for anything, but I'm sure I'll learn some new stuff about me I didn't already know. Some people find that frightening but I rather like being enlightened by myself. If you can't surprise yourself, who can? ;)

I think that's about it for this, my first post. If you're reading this and trying to decide whether this is a blog you would like to "follow," just know that this isn't being used to try to answer some of life's crazy questions. This isn't a blog that will always be positive or light-hearted. I aim to be extremely honest in everything that I do and this will be no exception. Most people will not find this an acceptable thrill ride.

Thanks!

One of the darker, more emotional entries from my "artist's journal"