Coming Clean

So, a few months ago I sat down and realized how much I hate myself. Of course it wasn't that simple. I got into a fight with Cory, one that was admittedly and routinely unjustified. He sent me an email basically telling me I was an idiot and showing me exactly how dumb I was for the argument. I read each and every word that he offered me and realized how grateful I was to have someone so amazingly supportive in my life, especially after realizing what a shithead I had been to him. So started this fire in me to change me.

Everyone has seen it, and in realizing it myself, I can't deny nor excuse it. My behavior up until the past few months has been putrid at best. My environment had shaped me into a critical person, an unhealthily skeptical person, especially when it came to other people. My criticisms became a poison, getting me high and angry at every misguided action or flaw before me. Having the power to rationalize away my faults while feasting on those of others gave me a power that made me feel invincible. It made it impossible for me to truly connect to the people I love and this invincibility allowed me to take them all for granted.

A lot of those close to me follow the same catty patterns that I had always thrived on. Because of this, I always felt that my behavior was common and acceptable. It takes a village to raise a child and my village had always been drama. So, for me, that's just the way it always had been. Those that were not outwardly angry and critical I had always just written off as being either jaded by circumstance or truly introverted. As I said prior, there is no excuse for my behavior so I am not blaming this environment for the way I became. The fault lies in my inability to step outside of myself and judge myself as I so frequently judged others.

Like I said, Cory was a big push in the right direction, although it was a little too late and the push did not come until he was already fed up with the way he had been treated. I cannot blame him for this. I have done some awful things and I have said even worse things. I am just beyond lucky to have a best friend and partner in life that is more forgiving than most; a trait that I am now sure to not make him regret.

The second push came from my weight loss journey. Obviously I have gained a crap ton of weight so needed to lose a crap ton of weight. I reached out to an online community that took me in open arms. They are wonderful women that are so open minded and so amazingly supportive of one another. Coming from all different backgrounds, they can open up about troubled marriages, chronic health issues and regular day-to-day life and there is absolutely no judgment or harsh words (unless push comes to shove to make each other more accountable in our lives). I have only been with them for a short time but I know that I have already made a few friendships that will last (love my oranges)!

The third thing that really pushed me into this "new" me really isn't a "thing" but two people. The first being my friend Amanda, the second, an awesome chick from the rescue named Laura. Both are examples of the woman I am looking to become. I have never really opened up to other women because many of the ones in my life have disappointed me time and time again when I had done so. Thus, being in any vulnerable position really makes me uneasy.

My relationship with Amanda was very stressful in the beginning, at absolutely no fault of hers, but simply because I was so nervous about what shortcomings she may find in me. She started out doing my hair so my insecurities told me that she was going to run around town telling people about my ridiculously abstract hairline or some weird scalp condition that I had never heard of. God, I have always been so INSECURE! After being around her for a while, she must have picked up on those feelings because she made it a point to tell me "I am very non-judgmental of people. It is one thing about myself that I am very proud of." Finding that trust in her and seeing how sincere she was gave me faith that I could also condition myself to be that way. I can't thank her enough for the example she had set for me.

With Laura, it is a bit different. Laura and I do not even have a relationship, so to speak. Laura and I were working on a project together that literally put us together about once every two weeks with email correspondences filling the gaps.

I have always been proud of my ability to get down and dirty to get work done. Any project that is thrown at me, I am able to handle, no matter how much or little experience I may have in doing it. Because of my skill set and the hard work I was constantly putting in in spite of the high stress environment of my job, I felt that when I was angry or dissatisfied with something, I had earned the right to face it head on no matter the measure and how it may come off to others. Laura, on the other hand, no matter what she may or may not have been feeling was always polite, sweet and had an almost apologetic tone in her requests, even when being firm. I was absentminded several times throughout the course of our project, something that would have sent me off the wall if I was dealing with someone like me. But Laura was always fair which motivated me to work harder. She was often put in positions that would have made me lash out and yet she found a way to handle it graciously. She made me want to also act with such grace.

Ok, I know that no one really wanted to hear just about any of this, but I felt that it was important for me to share. This is me announcing my rebirth and coming clean about my past. I have made a commitment to myself to become a better and brighter person. I am no longer someone who flies off the handle about small things. I am no longer a person that feels entitled to the rage and animosity that they release upon others. I am no longer proud of the person I was in the past, but instead, am proud of the great changes I have already made and the changes that are still coming.

Many people have a tainted view of me either from direct or indirect sources and experiences. I cannot blame them for that or expect for that image to be lifted as quickly as it was slammed down before them. There the fault lays with me. All that I can hope for at this point in my life is that those that love me, or may be open to loving me, may see the changes that I am making in my life, and the long-overdue responsibilities that I am finally owning up to. I owe a lot of apologies to a lot of people but I know that this new me will make everyone proud.